It’s the fifth day of the new year — after four days of non-stop torrential rain, overcast skies, and sub-25 degree weather, the sun is finally out again. If for a moment, things feel normal (whatever that means in today’s context, anyway) and dare I say, I experience a tinge of hope and optimism for a brighter year ahead.
Then I resume my designated spot at my dining table and begin clacking away at my keyboard; my almost daily routine for close to nine months now. Today also happens to be a day where my entire family is at home (working, having a day off, on school break or simply just skiving) and I am reminded once again that ah, the new year doesn’t necessitate any consequential changes for me anymore. The onus is on me to take action, or the year will more or less play out the same way it did before. Rinse and repeat.
Before diving into my goals and aspirations for 2021, it would be prudent to first reflect on the year that has just passed. These introspections have always been meaningful to me, and all the more so given the…unexpected situation.
So here are three lessons I’ve learnt from 2020:
1. Never be too sure of anything
When news of the coronavirus first emerged in November 2019, I remember feeling concerned but also complacent that it would amount to anything beyond a local outbreak in Wuhan. We rang in the new year — both solar and lunar — albeit cautiously, hooked to the news for updates on the growing spread of the pandemic. It felt like a train wreck you couldn’t look away from. And soon, we really couldn’t.
Call it my lack of imagination or just plain naivete, but it was beyond me to think that the situation would have evolved to upend our lives the way it has.
At the time I was cocky with misguided confidence that it would pass; I made a bet in February that it would blow over in time to resume travel in May, considered remote working arrangements conservative and frowned upon the masses thronging to supermarkets for supplies (I still do, but I guess I’m a little bit more empathetic now to their anxiety).
In all fairness I doubt many people could say they expected this magnitude of disruption. Despite historical precedents and even recent warnings, a pandemic of this nature really did catch us all by surprise. The unthinkable happened, whether we were ready for it or not.
My takeaway? Suspend your disbelief.
It’s not the easiest lesson to internalize, but if 2020 has taught me anything it’s that anything can happen (I suppose Trump’s win in 2016 offered a prelude). In today’s world where we rely on facts to rationalize and forecast, many things may appear left-of-field and simply improbable. But truth is that there remains so much that goes beyond (a) our own understanding (b) current understanding of the world, which is ever-evolving.
We cannot afford to be too sure, or any incongruence in reality would wreak havoc on our psyche, impede our ability to respond, and reflect our own ignorance and ego. What we must do is reach a middle ground; hold steadfast to logical imperatives and truths, while remaining open to infinite possibilities and diverse perspectives. Only then can we be ready for the many more unprecedented times that lie ahead.
2. We are often limited by who we think we are
The circuit-breaker in Singapore served two purposes — limit the spread of the virus, and literally force a break in our routines and life as we know it.
Many people have discussed how the pandemic and lockdown stripped them of their identity. The dissolution of the office, lack of social interaction and most crucially, loss of freedom to do as one may, left a gaping hole in our sense of self.
After all, who are we if not a corporate slave (technically we still are, but dressed in pyjamas) who could enjoy a bougie brunch with friends and pay money to exercise in a room full of sweaty strangers? How do we navigate our identities when we are confined to a single location, our sole companions our family members and the voices in our head?
It may seem counter-intuitive, but those external factors could have locked us in a humdrum routine and limited the view of ourselves as individuals. We are a function of our roles in society — children/ partners/ workers who do ABC and XYZ, and barely have any time or space to consider our potential for more. We see ourselves in a fixed way (also as a way of exerting control), and reinforce this definition on the daily.
But when these distractions have been stripped away, and we are forced to spend inordinate amounts of time at home and with ourselves, what might we discover? It is unlikely this reveals some drastically different version of ourselves, but it could very well motivate us to acknowledge alternative aspects of ourselves and free us to explore new things.
This manifested in a few ways for me:
a. I thought I was an introvert through and through, but working and staring at a screen on my own every day left me feeling isolated and insecure. After acknowledging that I, too, (like a normal human being) can crave and seek social connections, I felt liberated to be more open and actively initiate conversations/ accept invitations (when appropriate) and became more intentional about maintaining connections.
b. For years I held the belief that “I hate running” and “I suck at running”. But after having spent two full months at home, I was desperate for some fresh air and went to the nearby park to take a walk. Reinvigorated, I was compelled to incorporate this into my routine. On the first of July, with no expectations in mind, I decided to turn it into a run — I somehow managed a 5km, and was so proud of myself! From there I slowly shed the 10-year identity I had forged of hating running, and by the end of the year I hit a milestone of 100km in total.
c. It has always been a bit of struggle for me to balance my work and personal life, and I peg much of my identity to how I perform at my job. When I first started working full-time in 2019, one of my key accounts had been for a global hospitality company. This had a heavy influence on how I defined my role at my job, where I felt most confident and comfortable in a specific type of value I could bring to the table. Cue the decimation of travel and tourism. At this time I had already been simultaneously working on clients in other industries, but I definitely had to recenter myself and find new confidence that I could own and manage accounts in wholly different industries. I don’t want to be a “Master of None” and do envision eventually pursue a more focused area of communications, but now embarking on new endeavors and going beyond my comfort zone definitely seems less daunting.
3. There is power in doing something for yourself everyday
At the start of 2020 I wanted to try something new, and splurged on a lovely Mossery daily journal. The goal? Cultivate mindfulness and be intentional about jotting down my thoughts every day. I will not lie and say I managed to maintain that level of discipline throughout, but at the end of it I do have a complete set of 366 entries.
There was no way I could have imagined that this would eventually serve as my own Covid diaries. At times I had felt like it was such a waste that the very year I decided to try daily journaling, nothing significant was happening in my life. I spent almost all my time at home, and often entries would just be rambling repetitions of what I did at work and how I “chilled with my siblings at night”.
Looking back now, I couldn’t have had this journal at a better time. Knowing that I had at least one “productive” task that I had control over every day gave me a sense of focus and purpose. No matter how deep or superficial the entry, I should at least try to get it done. My disparate entries also helped prevent all my days from blending together as one, and logging my habits and and documenting activities allowed me to not take things for granted and make meaning, even when it often felt like there was none.
Another habit that I cultivated over lockdown was also to exercise daily, even if it was just a short session. Carving out that time for me to focus on my physical self was so important for me to strengthen my emotional and mental state, and gave me an outlet from stressors like family or work. It was something that I could be selfish about and do solely for myself, and the daily ritual provided me with something to look forward to. While I no longer exercise every day, that period of time was instrumental in helping me turn fitness into a habit (rather than at whim or an enthusiastic phase), where it has now become a natural extension of my life.
There are certainly pitfalls to trying to do something daily — I went through bouts of guilt and obsessive streaks if I missed an entry/workout, and many times have felt tempted to just give up and call it quits.
It does takes time before something becomes a habit and second nature, but in the process it’s crucial to practise self-compassion and take breaks. If it means enough to you, you’ll be back on the beat when you’re ready. Importantly, before deciding to embark on a daily task, one must consider the rationale behind it and if it feels personally sustainable. I’m not about to attempt a run every day (I don’t hate it but I don’t love it that much).
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So there, my three lessons from an unprecedented, pandemic-filled 2020. I have undoubtedly learnt and grown through these experiences, and I hope these learnings will guide me as I navigate yet another year of uncertainty and opportunity.
